1.  I failed to remember to charge my Garmin before bed last night, thus I ran today with my old school (now seemingly very little in comparison) digital watch that doesn’t tell me anything fun or exciting.

2.  My left arm felt amazingly light with no 3 lb garmin strapped to it.  So light in fact that it kept creeping up toward the sky and I had to hold it down with my other hand lest every person I ran past wonder if they were supposed to call on me to answer a question.

3.  I clung to the right side of canal path like a bad toupee on a sweaty bald head after being told to “stay on the right side of the path, bitch!” by a portly gentleman walking his equally portly dog a couple weeks ago.  Lesson learned.  Jerk.

(Sorry, no pic.  Maybe next time.)

4.  With no Garmin to tell me my distance, I had to rely on landmarks of a known running route to gauge my distance and pace, much like prehistoric runners had to do.

5.  Around Mile 4 I started to notice that the liner of my running shorts was beginning to chafe me in a very unmentionable “juncture”.

(Again, I’ll spare you all the pic of this one too.)

6.  At some point a bicyclist approached me from behind while simultaneously rustling the branches of a bush as he rode past.  This sequence of events lead to the escape of a very loud (and very girly, I might add) scream as I thought for a moment that some giant, ferocious creature was about to emerge from said bush and do lord-knows-what to me.

7.  Around Mile 7 I was feeling like I was not going to make it the next mile and a half home unless I ripped out the liner of my shorts.  I seriously considered this idea, but scratched it when my left hand refused to come down out of the sky to assist my right hand in such a task.

8.  Some how I made it home after a very hot, sweaty, chafey 8.5 miles.  I refueled with chia seeds and water like the Tarahumara peeps do in Born to Run.

9.  The gel like substance that forms around the chia seeds once they get wet made it seem like I was swallowing a glass full of caviar.  Given I’ve never actually eaten caviar, this is really just my best guess as to what swallowing a bunch of of wet, slimy chia seeds might be compared to.

10.  I drank my fish egg drink, changed out of my angry shorts and quickly made a voodoo doll of the (nameless) running shorts company exec and stabbed it right in the crotch with a straight pin.  I then liberally applied Body Glide to the unmentionable areas of my lower half, shook an angry fist at today’s humidity and then cursed at myself for not setting out earlier.  Finally, I strapped my now-charged Garmin to my wrist, put on a new, more forgiving and less chafey pair of shorts before setting off for the second half of my long run.  That’s like eight facts all rolled into one, yo.

11. The next 5 miles were a hell of a lot more comfortable than the first 8.5. I think those chia seeds may have played a role in that last fact too, I might add.

12.  I howled like a banshee in the shower when the stream of water made it known that there was more chafe-age on my back thanks to a sweat soaked sports bra.

13. Today’s post-run cold oat combo contained a half cup of rolled oats in unsweetened almond milk, one small sliced banana and one spoonful of almond butter.  Almond butter played the role of Protein! in today’s breakfast show.  A small cup of half-caff coffee with Organic Valley half and half played the role of Antagonist.

14.  Breakfast was enjoyed on the porch in peace thanks to children watching an episode of Inspector Gadget on Hulu.

15.  I am now waddling around the house like I’m barefoot and 9 months pregnant and/or holding a beach ball between my knees lest my third pair of shorts of the day rub against the unmentionable spots outlined in item number 5 above.

Now you know.